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Confederate American Pride's Humor Page
Things a True Southerner Knows:
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to All Visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kickyour ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, LutherRay, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still just a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DON'T DARE come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you snowbirds come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.
The Southern English Dictionary Has Moved
Subject: New WIN98Subject: Check your Windows 98 program for the Southern Edition -
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the south. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.
The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Robert E.Lee superimposed on a confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
O.K. - ats aw-right
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter - A word processing program
You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION as it comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the World Wide Web.
Fishin - Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused you if you have received a copy of WINDERS 98. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this heps all ya'll,
Billy Bob Gates,
Southern Flavored Jokes:
A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer.
I'm going to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agriculture representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So, the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture representative running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"
Answer: Pose the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a wild look in his eyes; and a huge knife in his hand comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
What would the ACLU say? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Black Talon Hollow Points??
A Southerner is having breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam, when a northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him. The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Northerner.."When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"
Northerner..(After blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we onlyeat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South." The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence. The Northerner persist.."Do you eat jam with biscuits?"
Northerner..(Cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. Up North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, and transform them into jam, and then send it down South."
Then the Southerner asks.."Y'all have sex up North?"
Northerner.."Why, of course, we do." And he pops another big bubble.
Southerner.."And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"
Northerner.."We throw them away, of course."
Southerner.."We don't. Down South, we put them in a jar, melt them down into bubble gum, and sell them to Yankees."
A few Virginia boys were up in the Blue Ridge hang gliding one day when a couple of yankees came along.
"What are youse guys doing," they asked.
"Hang gliding," replied one of the Southern boys. "Want to give it a try."
"Well maybe... but I've never done it before," volunteered one of the yankees.
The Virginians assured the yank that there was nothing to it. So they hooked him up, waited on the right wind, and off he went, sailing over the valley just as pretty as you please.
About this time a couple of good ole boys are in the valley hunting. One of them looks up and exclaims, "Bubba, look up yonder at that thing!"
Squinting against the sunlight Bubba sees it and then lets go with a couple rounds.
"Did you get em?" asks the first hunter.
Bubba squirts out a stream of tobacco juice. "Naw, but I made it drop that damn yankee."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and the Antarctica in the South will be very cold. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large area and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. That's the SOUTH, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from there are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. A truly great people."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE."
God replied wisely..."Wait until you see the loudmouth obnoxious people I'm putting north of them.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 40 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
What's the difference between a yankee and a damned yankee? A yankee comes down here, looks around and goes back up North. A damned yankee comes down here, looks around and stays.
It was another typical day in the flight control tower of a rural Southern airfield as Bubba made his approach for a landing in his single engine Cesna.
"Hello, flight control! This here is Bubba and I'm requestin' clearance to land this thang."
The flight tower paused a moment then said, "OK, Bubba. You take Runway No. 9."
"Roger dodger, flight control," came back the reply. "I'm bringin' 'er in!"
Just then another flight was approaching the airfield from another direction. He too got on the air waves for clearance to land. "Hey, ya'll! This is Jethro. Gimme a runway to land on."
"OK, Jethro," came back the propmpt reply. "You can take Runway No. 9."
There was a moment of silence before Jethro came back on the air. "Hey! I thought you just gave Runway No. 9 to Bubba?"
"That's right," replied the control tower, "..... ya'll be careful, hear now!"
The big city salesman pulled his car into the little country gas station for a refill and a RC and moon pie. As he pulled up to the pumps a little old man, the service station attendant, came out of the store and greeted the stranger with a smile. "Fill 'er up?" he asked.
"Sure," said the salesman and with this he went on in the store to get the RC and moon pie while the old man filled up his tank with gas. Coming back outside he noticed an old hound dog laying beside one of the pumps, for all appearances dead to the world. "Does that dog ever move any at all?" asked the salesman.
The old man just grinned. He topped off the tank with gas then pulled the nozzle out and proceeded to pump a little gas into a bowl laying right in front of the old hound dog. To the salesman's astonishment, the dog then proceeded to lap up every bit of gasoline that was in the bowl. All of a sudden the old dog came to life like a firecracker going off. He ran around the gas station 5 or 6 times then tore off down the road at lightening speed only to turn around about a half mile down the road and come back towards the gas station on a dead run. Getting back to the station the dog came up to the pumps and then suddenly stopped and fell over and just layed there.
The salesman was stunned. "What's the matter with him," he asked, "is he dead?"
The old man started chuckling out loud. "Naw!" he said with a grin. "He's just out of gas."
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
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